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What Your Sexting REALLY Says About You

LELO understands well that in times of pandemics we need to find the best ways to express our sexuality and desires. One of the all time favourite methods for maintaining passion is sexting.  Since our smartphones are now completely integrated into our lives, and we use them in virtually every element of our daily activities, in one way or another. Dating and sex are no different, and our always-online sensibilities make us constantly sexually available. Nowhere is this more evident in our penchant for sexting.

Sexting is the transmission of messages that are sexual in nature. That’s nothing new: since we could paint, we daubed erotica and fertility symbols onto rock, and as soon as we could write, our poetry revolved around sex. What’s new is that, now, we can feature ourselves in our sexual messages, through personal and private photos and videos. Around 75% of young adults admit to engaging in sexting. It is now a defining characteristic of our romantic lives.

So, we should ask ourselves, what does our sexting say about us?

Sexting & Romance

There’s a relationship between sexting and the way we become attached to our romantic partners. A 1987 study identified three ways we become attached: secure, avoidant, and anxious.

Secure people describe their relationships as involving happiness, friendship and trust, and don’t worry about intimacy or being abandoned. 

Avoidant people describe a fear of intimacy and find it difficult to depend on their partner. 

Anxious ambivalent people describe emotional extremes and obsessive preoccupations with partners, and are aware that this sometimes scares people away.

Newer research on people who send sexually explicit messages, photos, or videos to initiate sex through texting tend to fall into the avoidant or anxious ambivalent categories. For example, a 2012 study suggested that sexters use this style as a compulsive need for proximity and protection. Others who index more heavily in the avoidant style find that sexting meets their sexual needs while keeping their partner at a comfortable distance.

Sexting In Relationships

A 2015 study investigating sexting between married couples. The researchers found that those in established relationships do engage in sexting, but the levels of reported sexting (messages and pictures) is lower than those for young adults. For example, only around 12% of people in established relationships engaged in sexting

It’s possible that people in committed relationships have less need to sext each other. Or, they could be nervous about a third party seeing the messages. Additionally, they may be less familiar with the concept of sexting, and similarly, since they are generally have sex less frequently than sexually active new couples, that could be reflected in their lack of sexting.

The study then looked at couples’ sexting habits in relation to their relationship attachment styles. They found that for women, sending nude or semi-nude photos was related to higher degrees of avoidant attachment, while for males, sending nude or semi-nude photographs was related to anxious attachment. 

Does Sexting Equal A Satisfying Relationship?

A 2013 study looked at the relationship between sexting and the wellbeing of co-habiting couples. They found that the participants who reported a greater sense of wellbeing in their relationship also reported having sent sexts of one form or another to their partner.

All in all, those of us who are regular sexters seem to have a more precarious view of our relationships, and we’re either clingy, or emotionally distant. That said, the more sexting there is within a relationship seems to suggest that we’re happier within that relationship.

We’ll need to wait a few more years to get a clearer picture of the effect of sexting on long-term relationships though, as most studies seem to focus on younger couples who are more comfortable with the technology and have the sex drive to engage in it.


LELO is not just a sex toy brand; it's a self-care movement aimed at those who know that satisfaction transcends gender, sexual orientation, race, and age. We're offering the experience of ecstasy without shame, the pleasure of discovering all the wonders of one's body, thus facilitating our customers with confidence, that leads to a fulfilled intimate life. LELOi AB is the Swedish company behind LELO, where offices extend from Stockholm to San Jose, from Sydney to Shanghai.


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