Tuesday 28 April 2020

LELO presents: Top Sex Positions During Lockdown

The pandemic impacted every single facet of our lives in ways we thought impossible. Reflecting that change, LELO decided to illustrate the new sex positions practiced by people around the globe in the hopes of brightening your day!

1) The Modern Remake of Ghost With Patrick Swayze & Demi Moore a.k.a. The Four-Handed Sourdough Baker

This position really captures the zeitgeist of 2020 and will continue to do so for a long time after this pandemic is done. Our priorities have shifted and we have started to investigate new skills necessary for survival, bread baking being the absolute top skill sought after by many. However, only the bravest and most passionate among us will dare delve into sourdough baking. That same passion is the reason why this position exists. Watching your partner kneading that dough must be one of the most erotically charged scenes ever - which is why in this position the kneading of the dough stimulates both partners, visually and physically. A note from LELO to all the four-handed bakers out there: once you're finished, make sure that you two are the only ones partaking in that delicious loaf of love because hygiene.

2) Getting Solid Growth Projections a.k.a. Peaches and Aubergines Between Google Sheets

Self-isolating with a partner cannot be easy. We won't even get into the relationship part of it all. This position came to be after LELO got word of several cases where partners tended to make their other halves' lives nigh impossible during their home office hours. One of the contributors to this list of positions described this pose as “I'm sitting on the couch doing growth projections in the light of recent market developments and my eyes keep wandering to where my partner is bending over repeatedly in an effort to give me a solid growth projection.” Another confessed this is their favorite new position because it makes them more productive at work - something like the carrot and stick situation, translated into modern circumstances, so peaches and aubergines between Google sheets? She says she's never been so efficient at her job as she is when her girlfriend is waving her bum in front of her face. Home office 1, regular office 0.

3) Being One Moan Away From Unemployed a.k.a. Zoom Head

Perfect for all thrill-seekers, this position has been hailed by LELO as the worthy (and much safer) replacement for road head. When talking about safety concerns, road head is a very edgy predecessor to this position, but Zoom head is also no joke. The recipient will have to practice their poker face and reflexes - they will need to rest their finger on the trigger (read: mute button) and be ready to pull at the first notion of a slurp...or a moan. Here's your challenge for today - try moaning with a straight face, and once you've done that, switch positions with your partner and try giving totally quiet oral sex. If by some miracle you've pulled off both, congrats, you're not a human being.

4) Our Pet Is a Social Sciences Ph.D. Candidate a.k.a. The Reluctant Threesome

LELO is close to briefing their copywriters to create a script for a new rendition of The Secret Life of Pets following their humans' extended stay at home… the stories these good boys and girls could tell us would surely blow our collective human minds. Many a creator has tried delving into our pets' thoughts and they did it with gusto, but now we're facing the risk of discovering the naked truth - what do they think of us when we're having sex? We're not ready for this. LELO has received reports of pets scrutinizing their owners' moves using the empirical research method of close observation. So close, in fact, that it almost feels like a (very reluctant) threesome. It's a skeevy thought to have, but what to say about the position where your pet keeps pushing their head on your bed while you're doing your business?

5) So Bored I Got Horny a.k.a. The One-Armed Browser

In the initial days of the work from home period, we got off on creating perfect little home office nooks in order to a) have a pleasant work environment and b) obtain Instagram bragging rights. As the days slowed and then ground to a halt, LELO received reports of more and more individuals deciding to stay in bed and do their work from there. Why not? It's comfy and way more convenient when you decide to binge on Netflix instead of writing up that report. There seems to be only one tiny productivity issue in the way of turning your bed into your permanent home office. The infamous Bored Horny. Capital letters and all. LELO's reports continue to corroborate the fact that people get horny when they're bored and the self-isolating individuals have reported developing something akin to carpal tunnel syndrome from the one-armed browsing on their phones and laptops. This position is perfect for absolutely everyone, but you must take care to rest your browsing hand frequently.

6) Disenchanted Deep Meditative State Seekers a.k.a. IDGAF, I'll Masturbate Instead

The internet is brimming with advice on how to achieve your inner peace and become your best mindful self during these strange and unsettling times. However, not of all that advice is a one size fits all situation. Several individuals have reported to LELO that they have done their absolute best to give meditation a shot, but no matter how they tried, the pesky pandemic got in the way. The only thing they managed to find in their search for the deep meditative state was frustration. Apparently, the best method for relieving stress and venting frustration in a lockdown? Masturbation. In the case LELO didn't get the hint from their skyrocketing sales figures, they certainly got it when their customers flooded the brand's customer care unit with questions about the best LELO toy with the longest battery life. We can totally get behind that.

We hope you had fun exploring and experimenting with LELO's revamped sex positions. Make sure to always practice safe consensual sex and stay home!

No comments:

Post a Comment