There are some seasons of parenting that you simply don’t feel prepared for. You can read all the parenting books, learn everything you can about your child’s needs, and still find yourself standing beside them wondering how you can make something frightening disappear.
That is where we are right now.
Our 13-year-old son has autism and ADHD, and he is entering puberty—a time when his body, brain, emotions and hormones are all changing at once. Recently, we have been dealing with a level of anxiety that is completely new for him and incredibly difficult for our entire family to navigate. We have been learning how to navigate the spectrum and ADHD all at once ever since we got our diagnosis, you can check out our first story here: Beginning Our Autism Journey
He has started experiencing panic attacks that can come on suddenly. During these episodes, he may feel dizzy, feel his heart racing, struggle to focus, experience intense brain fog and have a strange feeling of being disconnected from himself or his surroundings. That feeling, sometimes described as derealization, can be especially frightening because he doesn’t necessarily understand what is happening to him.
And when you are 13 and already have difficulty understanding and regulating overwhelming emotions, that fear can become a vicious cycle. Troy has difficulty in simply wearing clothing that fits him properly, you can read about our sensory issues with clothing in this post: Clothing Battles as a Sensory Parent. So this anxiety is going to be a real struggle.
The symptoms scare him. The fear creates more anxiety. The anxiety creates more physical symptoms. And suddenly he is trapped inside his own thoughts.
Watching Your Child Become Afraid of Their Own Body
One of the hardest parts for us has been watching our son become afraid.
He has become nervous about having another panic attack. He worries about what he is feeling. He isn’t sleeping well. He has experienced aches and pains throughout his body and seems to be living in a near-constant state of anxiety.
For someone with autism and ADHD, these feelings can be particularly difficult to process.
It isn’t always as simple as saying, “Just calm down.”
When his nervous system is overwhelmed, reasoning with him doesn’t necessarily work. Telling him that everything is okay doesn’t automatically make his body believe it.
Sometimes he needs us physically and emotionally beside him while his nervous system settles down.
We’re learning that the goal isn’t always to make the anxiety disappear instantly. Sometimes the goal is simply to help him get through the next five minutes.
What Has Helped Him So Far
We’re still figuring this out, and what works one day doesn’t necessarily work the next. But we’ve found a few things that have helped him regulate when anxiety starts building.
A Warm Bath
A warm bath gives him somewhere quiet to retreat when everything feels like too much.
The combination of warmth, water and a calm environment can provide sensory input that helps him settle. It’s also an opportunity to step away from whatever was triggering the anxiety.
Cold Water
Cold water has also become one of our go-to grounding tools.
Sometimes washing his face with cool water or holding something cold helps interrupt the cycle of anxious thoughts and brings his attention back to what he is physically experiencing.
Not Being Alone
This has probably been one of the biggest ones.
When he is panicking, being alone can make the fear significantly worse. Having someone nearby gives him reassurance that he isn’t dealing with this by himself.
Sometimes we don’t even need to talk.
Just sitting beside him can be enough.
Medication Prescribed for Him
His doctor has prescribed clonidine, which is part of the approach we’re using to help him. Medication decisions are something we’re making with his healthcare providers, rather than treating medication as a one-size-fits-all solution. This one is only for bedtime though. He has some serious trouble with taking meds.
Breathing Exercises
We’re practicing slow breathing when he is calm so that it is easier to use when anxiety hits.
The goal isn’t to force him to “take a deep breath” when he’s already overwhelmed. We’re trying to make breathing exercises familiar enough that they become another tool he can reach for.
Sour Candy
This might sound unusual, but sour candy has become another grounding tool for him.
The strong taste gives his brain something immediate and concrete to focus on. It’s a simple sensory distraction that can sometimes help pull him away from the spiral of anxious thoughts.
Other Strategies We’re Trying
We’re also experimenting with additional strategies that may be particularly helpful for an autistic teenager.
Create a Sensory “Calm Kit”
We’re putting together things he can reach for when anxiety starts building—things like headphones, a favorite comfort item, something textured to hold, a cold pack, chewing gum or another preferred sensory item.
The idea is to give him choices rather than expecting him to figure everything out while panicking.
Use Grounding Instead of Reasoning
When someone is experiencing derealization or a panic attack, lengthy explanations may not help.
We’re trying simple grounding statements such as:
“You are safe.”
“This feeling will pass.”
“You’re here with me.”
“Let’s focus on one thing at a time.”
We can also ask him to identify things he can see, hear and physically feel around him.
Movement
Sometimes anxiety needs somewhere to go.
A walk, stretching, bouncing on an exercise ball, shooting hoops or simply moving around the house can give his body an outlet for some of that nervous energy.
For a teen with ADHD, movement can also be an important part of regulation.
Keep His Environment Predictable
Autistic kids can sometimes find uncertainty particularly stressful.
We’re trying to keep routines as predictable as possible, let him know about changes ahead of time when we can, and give him some control over what happens next.
Even something as simple as:
“We’re going to do this, then this, and afterward you can relax.”
can make an overwhelming situation feel more manageable.
Reduce Overstimulation
When he’s already anxious, too much noise, bright lights, screens, people talking or demands can push him even further into overload.
A quiet, dimly lit room with fewer demands can sometimes be much more helpful than trying to distract him with lots of activities.
Protect Sleep
Sleep has become a major challenge for him, and we’re learning how closely sleep and anxiety can be connected.
We’re working toward a predictable bedtime routine and a calming environment while following the guidance of his healthcare team.
Give Him a Way to Explain What He’s Feeling
One of the biggest challenges is that he doesn’t always have the words to explain what’s happening inside his body.
We’re working on simple ways for him to communicate:
“My anxiety is getting bigger.”
“I feel dizzy.”
“I need someone beside me.”
“I need quiet.”
“I need my calm tools.”
He shouldn’t have to find the perfect words while he’s panicking.
We’re Learning Alongside Him
Perhaps the hardest lesson for us as parents is realizing that we can’t simply fix this for him.
We can sit beside him.
We can listen.
We can learn his triggers.
We can help him practice coping strategies.
We can advocate for him.
We can reassure him.
And we can get professional help when he needs it.
But ultimately, we’re helping him learn how to understand his own nervous system and recognize that a frightening sensation doesn’t necessarily mean something terrible is happening.
Because right now, he is scared of the sensations themselves.
Our hope is that, with time and the right support, he can learn:
“I recognize this feeling. I’ve felt it before. I know what to do. It will pass.”
We Are Taking This Seriously
Although panic and anxiety can cause very real physical symptoms, we’re not assuming that every symptom is “just anxiety.” New or significant symptoms such as racing heart, dizziness, memory changes, sleep disruption, widespread pain or episodes of feeling disconnected deserve discussion with his healthcare professionals, particularly because this is a new change for him. I have a feeling he is having some serious anxiety about school so we have some great tips on how to handle that here: Back To School Anxiety Tips
And if he develops severe or concerning symptoms—such as fainting, severe chest pain, significant difficulty breathing, confusion, a seizure, or thoughts of harming himself—we would seek urgent medical attention rather than trying to manage the episode at home.
We’re still very much in the middle of this.
We’re learning.
We’re exhausted.
We’re worried.
And sometimes we feel completely helpless watching our child struggle with something he doesn’t understand yet.
But we’re also hopeful.
He’s still our funny, amazing 13-year-old kid underneath all of this. Right now, he just needs a little extra help finding his way through the storm.
And we’ll be right beside him while he does. ❤️
